Friday, February 12, 2016

Donald Trump's Guide to Street Photography

1. Lesson one. I am the greatest street photographer who ever lived. If you follow my guide we can make street photography great again. Ignore my tips and your photographs are dead to me.

2. I've done some very nice buildings in New York. They're all over the city and they're just great. You should include them in the background of your photographs. Atlantic City and Vegas too, but those places are shit holes so I don't recommend photographing there.

3. The number one subject for street photography is a beautiful young piece of ass. That's your target. Walk around until you find one. Get close, then fire away. What you don't want in the picture is fat, ugly people. They will ruin your photographs. It's just their way. 

4. I'm very rich, and I use the biggest, best, most expensive camera. Always. That's why my photos are wonderful. You should do this too. Or you may very well become a horrible photographer, and a horrible person.

5. Ten is better than one. The highest numbers on the camera are the best. Always set controls for highest possible number. This lets your pictures become the highest too.

6. When you see a scene developing, you need to be on the attack. Get your handlers and bodyguards in position, then move in for the kill. Shoot shoot shoot. You can never be too greedy for photographs. Then hand the camera to your people. They'll let you know how much the images are worth. Get it in writing.

7. People in a city mix together like human garbage. They just don't care. Sometimes you'll need a wall to separate them into homogeneous clumps, so that you can shoot them uncontaminated. Have the Mexicans pay for it.

8. I have naturally long beautiful fingers which let me reach the camera controls with ease. If you have short stubby fingers, you will have to work harder. Or you might just want to give up. The choice is yours.

9. Most other photographers, including yourself, are terrible. It's just a fact. You should all be fired. I will always be the best but don't let that discourage you. There is hope. Through patience and practice you can learn to emulate me, and your photographs might someday gain attention if they look enough like mine. 

10. I can walk down 5th Avenue tomorrow and shoot someone, and everyone will love me. If you try the same thing you'll probably die a pauper in a dirty cell. But don't let that discourage you. Think of my greatness when you're in that cell. Let it feed your photography.

11. Don't be a pussy when you're shooting in public. You need to behave like you own both the streets and the people in them. If you're me, chances are you do.

12. When I'm walking the streets shooting pictures, gorgeous women nearby always attempt to flirt with me. They can't help it. I'm wealthy, handsome, and irresistible. That's how I get such great candid photos of their tits. But that's me. You won't have this problem.

13. Don't photograph homeless, street performers, or city workers. They are poor schmucks who don't deserve you. Photographing them will not make street photography great again.

14. If someone questions what you're doing, or refuses consent to be photographed YOU TAKE THEM THE FUCK OUT. None of that nonsense. 


joaoh said...

Think you'll like this one

Unknown said...

This is fantatic, Blake!!!

binotto said...


jannx said...

I am Bkumiblol Aduulyadey the King of Thighand. I am worth $30.0B. I have a Fuji Instax Mini. When I shoot street I hire donald to carry my camera. He’s been bankrupt 4 times and needs the help. Women love me, donald not so much. I think it’s his hairpiece. Have a nice day

Fritz the Cat said...

Peter Arbib said...

Too funny.....and shows Trumps arrogance to the tee in this satire.

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